


Chamber By Chamber

by Snowbazzz_lyf



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, But they are so in love, Communication Issues, DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ WAYWARD SON, M/M, Mentioned Penelope Bunce, POV Simon Snow, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son, complicated relationship, my heart hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 15:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowbazzz_lyf/pseuds/Snowbazzz_lyf
Summary: *TAKES PLACE DURING WAYWARD SON. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED**DO. NOT. READ. IF. YOU. HAVEN'T. READ. WAYWARD. SON.*I'd give him all that I am.I'd give him all that I was.I'd open up a vein.I'd tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber.





	Chamber By Chamber

**Author's Note:**

> I AM REPEATING THIS AGAIN. DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ WAYWARD SON.
> 
> okay. Guys. This quote. I. Just. Oh god. I was destroyed. 
> 
> Anyways, this oneshot is basically an internal monologue Simon has.

I'd give him all that I am.

I'd give him all that I was.

I'd open up a vein.

I'd tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber.

If I could, I would never move away from here, where I am. Always, always here, near him. Touching him and kissing him and loving him. Because right now, I am not the Simon Snow who was the Chosen One of a prophecy, destined to bring down the most dangerous threat the Mages ever faced. I am not the one who failed, who is uselessly stuck between two worlds. I am the Simon Snow who was chosen by _Baz_. By him.

_I choose you. _

I chose him too, then. I chose him to be mine. 

Is he now? Is he mine? Or has he slipped from my hands too far away to be grasped? 

But does that even matter? Because if he isn't... If he isn't, then it's good. For him. 

He was mine. Once.

He is here, and he is letting me touch him. I am letting him touch me. And it's been... it's been so long since we did this. Since I kissed him, properly. My mouth and his mouth, one. Thin, grey fingers on my back, on my body, holding me close, holding me like I am made of glass. My own stubby ones cradling his face, his jaw, pushing into his hair. Chests pressed together, breaths mixing.

I want to tell him. I want to tell him what he means to me. I want to tell him that I crave for his touch but I shy away, because I am afraid... I want to tell him that I always want to warm up in his arms, but I can't... I want to tell him that the very idea of living without him is something that makes my chest ache... But I know that there is no better way. There is nothing in me for him to see and to love. I was... something, once. I am nothing now. Nothing, but a burden. A burden on both him and Pen. If I could, I would have had let Penny got too, but she is too stubborn, she won't ever leave.

Baz can. Baz should. He would be happier...

He doesn't need to lug around me. He doesn't need to be tied down. He doesn't need to feel sorry for me. He should leave. He should leave me and go and be happy.

With someone else.

Baz... No longer mine.

No. _No_. I will not think of that now.

Not now, when the sky is beautiful and the wind is cool and the rumble of the truck is reassuring.

And when Baz is in my arms. When his mouth is on mine. When there is no better place to be than here, under the stars, kissing Baz, driving in America.

I am kissing him like I won't ever again... Perhaps I won't and it's not because I don't want to. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to have a life without him, without Baz. I don't want to think that one day, I would come home to an empty flat and Penny would be telling me that Baz is getting married to someone else. 

I don't want Baz to go. To leave.

But I love him far, far more than I love -or have ever loved- anyone or anything. I love him infinitely more than I love myself or my happiness. My happiness doesn't matter. Baz's does. _Baz_ matters. He would be... happy. Without me. With a boyfriend who's not fucked up.

But for now... It can wait. All of it. For now, I can just let it be me and him. I can let it be the way it once had been, before I ruined it. I can let it be the way where I can remember him under the night sky, skin grey but sprinkled with stars, mouth cold but his hands warm to touch, far away from home, here in America. _Mine_.

Mine to touch, mine to hold, mine to see, mine to kiss. Mine.

If I could, I would...

I would...

I would tie our hearts together.

_Chamber by chamber._

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh. Wayward Son.
> 
> To be honest, I wasn't quite expecting the book to be so angsty. I was expecting pain and trauma but at least, Simon and Baz to not have such a complicated relationship.
> 
> But I think this version is actually very realistic. I think that Rainbow has done a splendid job. I was disappointed but I don't think I am now. I mean a little, because I was hoping to meet Fiona and some other old characters as well as Simon and Baz to fucking talk, but I guess the third book will give us that.
> 
> Anyways, here's hoping that they sort out their communication issues because they are so much in love and it would destroy them (and also us) if they seperate.


End file.
